The Need for Friendship

All of us want and need friendships. Early friends teach us many needed skills for future relationships. For example, we learn to share, understand someone else’s feelings, communicate and practice making and keeping friendships. Because these friendships teach us so much and are so essential to our happiness it is important to focus on having genuine and lasting friendships.

A friend can help fill many needs in our lives: the need for sharing activities with someone, for communication, for being like and appreciated, for trusting and being trusted and for confiding in someone. Often popularity is determined by the number of people we say ‘hi’ to or greet with a slap on the back but popularity does not necessarily mean you have friendships which meet your needs. Only true and genuine friends can help meet these very basic needs that each of us has.

What goes into building true and lasting friendships?

The basic signs of genuine friendship:

• Friendship takes time.
• Friendship evolves as two people take time for one another to share activities, plans and interests. Acquaintances or people we know only well enough to say ‘hi’ to, certainly are not true friends; but this group can be considered the pool from which we make, with time, close and genuine friends.
• True friends show kindness toward each other.
• True friends care about what is really best for each other and will have the courage to speak up if a friend is doing something that could be harmful to himself and or others.
• Genuine friendship is built on loyalty and trust. When you are having problems, a true friend will stand by you and won’t ‘tell the world’ about what you are going through.
• In a real friendship you will give of your time and energy to your friend and will feel good about being able to help. This doesn’t mean that you control or dominate the other person, but simply that you are there when he needs you.
• You can be yourself with a true friend and know that you will be accepted.

Artificial friendship

Perhaps the clearest sign that a relationship is not one of true friendship is when one person is being used by the other. At every stage in life this occurs. For example, a ten-year-old may want to visit a neighbour’s house only because of the new bike he can ride there. At 13 years of age, he may be friendly toward someone because he likes that person’s stereo system. True friendships cannot be built on selfish interests such as these, where one person is exploiting the other.

Artificial or fake friends are marked by insincerity (saying or doing things that you don’t really mean), compromise (not being true to your values in order to please someone else), lack of loyalty (not staying by someone when he really needs you). Relationships such as these not only fail to meet your needs but can be very hurtful and frustrating as well. Experiences with artificial friends can carry over into other future relationships and tend to make you mistreat the motives of those you want to trust.

Building Friendship

There are four basic levels of friendship: acquaintances, casual friends, close friends, intimate friends.

Acquaintances, the people you say ‘hi’ to when you greet them in passing, make up the pool of potential friends. These acquaintances become known as your peer group which may apply pressure regarding acceptable clothes, hair style, behaviour, achievements and even goals. The names of these peer groups change with time and even with different schools but the idea behind them is that people of certain interests, attitudes and behaviours have something in common and are usually given a label. Group names in your school may be: athletes, bikers, brains or druggies.

Sometimes, for different reasons, parents may suggest that you find new friends. Usually it is not meant to be a personal attack on a specific person but that they want you to have acquaintances  and friends in a different peer group. In discussing and analyzing the behaviour, dress, activities, scholastic achievements and future goals of various groups, characteristics become apparent which assist individuals in seeing which group most closely resembles their value system.

Members of the pool of acquaintances (peer group) develop into the next level of friendship called casual friendship. These are people with whom you feel comfortable sharing activities and interests. Most friends that you make in a lifetime are casual friends.

It takes time and sustained commitment to arrive at the third level of close friendship. From within the casual friends, a smaller group of close friends begins to gather. It should be understood that although a close friendship may be your goal, that level of commitment, sharing and trust takes much time and dedication to achieve.

Intimate friendship is the fourth category. Friends in this category are very special and rare. A person would be fortunate to have five intimate friends in a lifetime. Intimate friends know you weaknesses but are willing to be understanding, challenge you to do or be better, accept the differences between the two of you, and will always be there. They may be of the same or opposite sex. They know you for a long time and in just about every situation. You can tell them secrets and never have them told. In a good marriage relationship husbands and wives are intimate friends.

If the group making up the close circle of friends is very tight and will not allow others to enter, it is referred to as a clique. In some ways a clique is very comfortable and give s a feeling of belonging and acceptance. However, if someone is on the outside and wants to join and is not allowed by the members, a clique may be very damaging to the excluded person’s opinion of his self worth. Groups of close friends are an important part of the friendship building process. But these close groups can become harmful when members are ‘kicked out’ or others not included. The members are harmed by not having a wider range of friends and the excluded people have hurt feelings and may find it difficult to belong to another group.

It is at this close level of friendship that it seems impossible to change friends or peer group. But such changes do occur as a normal part of the maturation process. During adolescence changes in size, ability and specific interests are occurring. Relationships during this process may become closer of may gradually become mere acquaintances. These changes can be planned by using some of the following friendship-making techniques. The skill of valuing self plays a significant part in the type of friends that are made as well as simple things like attending different classes throughout the day.

It is at these times of possible change that the following skills will assist in making new and more friends in the peer group of your choice.

•  Identify a peer group of potential friends. Generally these are people who have a similar lifestyle and common interests such as sports, academics or a particular hobby.
•  Once you have met a potential friend, include him in your activities.
•  Spending time together is, of course, essential.
•  Share ideas and opinions and listen carefully when ideas are being shared with you.
•  Be sensitive to the needs of the other person and when possible meet those needs.
•  Be generous and thoughtful.

Friends show care and concern for each other in several ways. When you are sick or have a problem a friend could sympathize and meet your physical or emotional needs by bringing candy or flowers. In some situations however, the most helpful thing is for a friend to give advice or to confront you about what you are doing. This involves accepting the person but not the pressure to be involved in actions which may put one or both of you at risk. Your refusal may give your friend the courage to reconsider the actions and possible consequences to both of you.

The direction of our lives is determined by many different factors: family, media, culture and education. Our choice of friends is also a significant influence on our lives. Good friends motivate us to become better people and this in turn helps us to ensure a brighter, more positive future. On the other hand, friends whose behaviour puts us at risk may lead toward a less desirable future. If it is true that we tend to become like those we associate with, then great care should be taken in choosing our friends.

Trust is something that is built into a relationship. The more you get to know how the other person is going to act or react in certain situations, the more comfortable you feel trusting him. Being able to rely on actions and reactions increases our effectiveness and decision making ability. If your parents can always trust you to have your homework done before they ask, how often will they have to ask about it? Let’s say you always had the reputation of always doing your work, but for some reason there was a time period when it wasn’t getting done. Once your parents found out, how would they respond the next time they asked you about it and you said, ‘Sure, my homework is done.’? What might it take to build your parents’ trust level back up?

When the trust element is broken in a friendship, it must be built back up in the same way.